Crystal

I'm usually able to perceive my emotions with acute clarity. Today, I can't get beyond knowing I am feeling something, but when I try to probe and ask myself questions like "have I really lost hope?", my brain draws a murky black blank. When I try to prob even further, I get hit by a maelstrom of confusing and contradicting thoughts, and sad emotions start welling up and I want to cry.

I don't think I'm one to take stress very well. I become full of negative emotions when my stress levels build up and I start thinking one depressive thought after another. In psychology, they call it the mood-congruent theory in which, for instance, negative emotions can cause a maelstrom of negative thoughts to be retrieved.

Last night I had an outburst at Justin over a trival matter that made me feel like a petty person, but one that upset me nevertheless. I'm not comfortable saying it out, but maybe it'll be easier to let go if I do. It was a simple discovery of the fact that he still responds to his ex girlfriend's facebook posts. When I saw it, I felt like a lightning bolt of negative energy had gone through my body and my vision shook briefly. I took deep breaths to calm myself down while in my head, logic and rationality fought a hard battle with my emotions. What I am ashamed of and still feel sheepish about is that I gave in to the hurt and railed out at him. To make things worse, he was dangerously busy and in no mood to console me beyond trying to explain his actions. Therefore till today, I do not feel adequately comforted and neither are my insecurities resolved. It makes me want to stay away, hide out till I miraculously "get over it."

At this point, most people would say that a mature response would be to approach him when he is less tied up with work and talking it out. However, I don't have the stomach for this subject anymore because it feels like deja-vu. It makes me queasy. Somewhere at the back of my head I know this has happened before, I just don't know when or why and what happened.

I do wonder how different today would be If we, if I, had talked about it rationally with him. I would have told him that I was upset because 1. I do not believe in keeping in contact with ex-partners since I do not believe in friendships betwen ex-partners 2. especially so for that girl because hanging out with them 5 days a week for 2 years when they were together made their association as partners a stigma I cannot remove 3. you didn't break up amicably so why be friends now 4. a response, no matter if it's just a trivial comment poking fun of the person, is a sign of friendship. do think, that if a friend periodically appears and says hi, he'll be more regarded a friend to you than all the acquaintances who clutter your msn without ever talking to you. In that light, you may say you do not care for her at all, but mere contact is enough exposure for frienship to take a foothold.

What I still don't get, after all your explanations is that of all responses... even if you're bored, why to her boring statement (out of all the hundreds of statements posted)? Why does commenting about her discomfort amuse you? I don't understand that because I'm a person who wants to have nothing to do with my ex boyfriends who are better out of sight and out of mind. I can't help but psychoanalyse your reasons - maybe she still is of significance to you.

Ay amor, me duele tanto
Sin ti conmigo aqui no tango paz
No tango feliz
Pesa más la rabia que el cemento
Espero solo que te espéreme
Arrepentido para probar su paciencia

spent the past half hour
staring at nothing
thinking of something
wish i could make sense of this feeling
this feeling
dampened by an emergency daze

another six minutes have passed
feels like i could do this forever
building walls around my throat
my eyes
will shut themselves today
will repair the leaks
i cannot get used to this

hi my name is ben and from the count to three, stare into space like a pile of lump says:
hey happy new yr pull your ear
hi my name is ben and from the count to three, stare into space like a pile of lump says:
hahahahaha
hi my name is ben and from the count to three, stare into space like a pile of lump says:
hahahhaahhahaa
★★★j u s t i n says:
happy new year go shoot a deer!
hi my name is ben and from the count to three, stare into space like a pile of lump says:
i said it first
hi my name is ben and from the count to three, stare into space like a pile of lump says:
HAHAHA
hi my name is ben and from the count to three, stare into space like a pile of lump says:
happy new year sleep with your peers
★★★j u s t i n says:
happy new year go drink a beer
hi my name is ben and ashes to ashes, beer to pee says:
happy new year the ang pows are near
★★★j u s t i n says:
happy new year so give a cheer
hi my name is ben and ashes to ashes, beer to pee says:
happy new year no time for jeers
★★★j u s t i n says:
happy new year dont shed a tear
hi my name is ben and ashes to ashes, beer to pee says:
happy new year have no fear
★★★j u s t i n says:
happy new year are you a queer?
hi my name is ben and ashes to ashes, beer to pee says:
happy new year i'm at lancashire
★★★j u s t i n says:
happy new year dont go out and leer

I've just gained an hour in my life because of daylight savings... There's now 7 hours time difference between Singapore and Switzerland, and 8 between Singapore and Perth.

Why do we have to spend our teenage and early adulthood years feeling confused and insecure about love and life and everything in between school, family, friends and work? There's hardly enough time to live life, much less for spending time thinking about what we want in life. When will we ever know what we want for good?

London's been fun; the city buzz is invigorating for a while but now I'm quite tired and miss Switzerland. I realize that the primary reason why London and Singapore is so stressful, is because of the unending noise. It's so noisy here, even at 9.30pm it's noisy. Londoners don't care if they make a din and disturb other people. The sound of traffic especially drives my stress level up a notch, and i'm not even working or studying here and shouldn't be feeling that way but somehow I do. The people here walk crazily fast, rush rush rush everywhere. Consumerism is so prolific here; you see it in the advertisements, the billboards stressing that you need degree qualifications to get a good job, the countless malls and shopping districts that're within a few stops of each other -there are 6 Oasis shops within zone 1 of the subway, minutes from each other, and for what? I miss silence. I wonder ... How would Singapore have been if LKY studied in Finland instead?

I can see snow capped mountains from my window every morning and in the evening they turn pink

After two years of lousy pork knuckles and no variety of german beer in boring looking white tents........I'm finally going to the REAL Oktoberfest in Munich!!! If only Justin, Clarice and Bao were coming along too...